It's Vegas Baby!

What goes on in Vegas STAYS in Vegas…….which on the face of things should make for a short, sharp and content free blog.  Anyone that knows us, will know that we have a penchant for a party and so our trip to the mother of all party towns was never going to be a nice meal followed by a Celine Dion concert (sorry mum).  Oh no…….not by half.

We had advertised our time in the city of sin to a few friends and the first to take us up on our offer of ruining themselves in our company were Jeff and Tania.  I’ve known Jeff for years and as he was over from Okinawa (where he is currently posted, the lucky git) he took the chance to pop over to join us.  Happily we were based in a hotel with no casino, so there was always a small respite from the pull of the fiscal black holes at the various tables.  We checked in and relaxed a little before making a booking at a restaurant just downstairs where Jeff was staying at the Paris.

Normally getting a last minute table here should pose a wee bit of a problem.  It wasn’t.  The warning signs were there, but I didn’t see them. After a dinner where the waitress did her best not to bother us (euphemism for “was nowhere to be seen”) we traipsed around town from one hotel to the next in the vain search of anything remotely resembling fun.   Julia has never been to Vegas and so I was intent on showing her a good time.  Unfortunately, Vegas didn’t want to play ball.  We had every excuse under the sun thrown at us for why it was like a ghost town. 

Could this be possible?

Mannequins on display

Kind of an apt sculpture for us :)

Had we arrived on some kind of weird “once in 50 years” event…..where everyone just went for a quiet meal then a show and home? 

Disgusted with what appeared to be an epic fail of …well…..epic proportions, we shook our heads sadly and parted ways, vowing to turn things round the next day.

 

Hot sand in the Valley of Fire

As we were headed out into the desert to a valley called “Valley of Fire”, we were fairly certain crowds wouldn’t be an issue.  It started as a quick trip to the valley and turned into a 200 mile round trip taking in the Hoover Dam, Elephant Rock, a very large bridge, another state and what looked like some kind of weird oasis town for the old and infirm.

Travelling with Jeff and Tania was great fun and between laughing at Jeff’s attempts at not getting burned by the sand and watching Julia melt on a bridge, things were looking up.

Now anyone that has been to Vegas or has even a passing interest in gourmet food will know one thing:  the Mandalay Bay Burger is one of the best burgers on the planet.  It is a big call to make.  I just made it. 

 

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As I have already said, my intention was to show Julia how amazing Vegas is, so of course we went and ate ourselves into oblivion at the burger bar from heaven.  It was wonderful.

From here we relaxed, digested and agreed to meet later to attack Vegas.  Tension was high and there was a grim determination not to fall foul of yesterday’s dearth of fun.  I should say now, we finally fell into bed at about 6.30am!

We met in a bar at the Aria and already the night was off to a bad start.  The place was empty again.  AGRH!

Then the clouds parted, heavenly light shone down and the angels sang in unison as Jeff uttered those immortal words:

“Let’s go downtown.”

Oh dear lord did we go downtown! 

I’ve been to Vegas a couple of times, but had never been there and so I was just as excited to see how people that didn’t use credit cards to gamble enjoyed themselves.  True the strip is glamourous and glitzy (in places…….most of it as actually pretty grotty), but you can’t get away from the fact that we are in a depression and there aren’t as many high rollers with cash in their hands.  It tends to be hen/stag dos (bachelor/bachelorette parties) and people who have saved up a while to pay for the oxygen they are breathing.  Literally, they are paying for the highly oxygenated environment that casinos on the strip pump onto the floors to keep people awake!

We decanted from our chariot on Fremont street and the next few hours were passed in a flurry of street performers, light shows and Pai Gow Poker (Julia found a new love and also doubled her money that night…..not often you can say that).  

 

Julia charms a street performer

Julia kicked off proceedings in the street performer department by chatting up a beautiful young lady in Rio Carnival costume…..who asked for Julia’s email address and has already written her an email! 

Then a bit of comedy.

One street performer was dressed as the most unlikely gladiator ever.  Built like He-Man he looked more Gay-Diator than Russell Crowe!  Oh dear.

Seeing him gave Jeff an excellent idea for a photo……he should be bent over in front of me and ready for a good spanking.  Now as I mentioned, due to his almost certain sexual preferences, we didn’t think this bit of light-hearted humour would pose a problem; after all, it’s not like he’s never been spanked by another man before.  However no.  Gay-Diator was a man of principle and clearly even the act of simulation of spanking on a first date was out of the question.  He firmly and indignantly handed me back our money with the words : “I don’t let people spank me.”

 

The light show Downtown

I tried.  Looking back I am embarrassed to admit, but I tried to persuade him it was only going to be pretend, that my palm wouldn’t touch his oiled up backside.  He was having none of it.  As we walked away in tears of laughter, we saw him recounting the tale of how the terrible British tourist had tried to spank him to one of his fellow street performers.  The look on the ladies face was “Oh come ON….we all KNOW you love that kind of thing you kinky b*tch!”.

Watching a gay gladiator complaining to a Viking woman with her 40GGs on display he was being sexually harassed by tourists could ONLY happen in Vegas!

We stopped off for Julia to capture a moment with some Transformers before Jeff and I watched a 60 year old man dance around in the street to weird music.  He was dressed as cupid in nothing but nipple tassels, angel wings and thong.  I left feeling disturbed.  Very, very disturbed.

We left Downtown a little later, Julia smiling from ear to ear and went back to the Aria, where Vegas proved once again “if you’re open to potential then Vegas has all kinds of possibilities.”  We walked onto the casino floor and a kind gentleman offered to get us into a club/lounge/bar (called Gold of all things).  It was free, we were happy, we went.

As I said, by 6.30am we were in bed…..knackered.

Next day Jeff, Tania, Julia and I went out for a massage (wonderful), then we dropped them off at the airport having learned that there is even more to Vegas than Downtown and the Strip….there is Chinatown, where you can get a great massage for 20 bucks and the place is riddled with restaurants where the Koreans/Japanese and Chinese seem happy to eat.  Compare that to the $150 massage we were offered at the hotel and it shows that a little effort can save you a lot of money!

Then it was a trip to the shops in Caesar’s Palace for some wardrobe refresh and one of the best chocolate milkshakes of our tour……a place just opposite H&M called Max Brenner.  If you are in town and love a chocolate milkshake then head for his restaurant.

Tonight we ate at Social House, a lovely degustation menu where the head chef pulled out all the stops for Julia to make it gluten free.  We left absolutely stuffed and with a few new ideas for BAR23 as the sake recommendations were excellent.

Next stop – the Laundry.  This is a speak-easy style bar at the back of the Commonwealth that you only get into via an SMS conversation and booking system.  The bar was really nicely done and showed us that you can actually get a good cocktail in the USA.  One of our weirdest discoveries out here is that no matter where you go, the barkeepers seem intent on making their lives as easy as possible and using sugar laden mixers that turn your cocktail into an alcho-pop.  Disgusting.  It’s not even the barkeeper’s fault.  Recently we overheard a lady complaining her margarita wasn’t sweet enough!!!  ARE YOU KIDDING America?

Unfortunately tonight was not Julia’s lucky night, so we headed home, after a couple of rounds on the tables Downtown, a little sad.  On the flip side I came away with a lovely drive to take up in the Rockies from a Scotsman who is living in British Columbia.

Our next friend to visit was Dvin – a cousin of mine.  He arrived with entourage and ….well……things kicked off.  First up was a pool party at Daylight in the Mandalay Bay. 

Well one of us is looking good

A pool party out here entails a few thousand scantily clad people getting wasted by a very large pool (god only knows what was in that water)……and luckily Dvin and his friend Gary exercised some class and booked us a lounger.  What followed shall remain locked in our memories as 6 hours of fun and ridiculous heat, of partying with people we’d never met before including a World Poker Champion.

That night was more of the same – a party with Dvin , Gary, Trish, Kristin and Trevor, this time in Light at the Mandalay.  Once again we had a table booked, between a stag do and a hen do and well…..I shall have to claim the 5^th Amendment and just say we had fun…..lots and lots of fun J

We left Vegas a little broken.  Neither of us were singing and whistling as we packed and by the time we were in our car and on our way, we wanted to check-in at the Betty Ford Clinic!  Today we were off to the South Rim of the Grand Canyon.

PS - If you are in Vegas, perhaps at the Vdara and you find a hole in your clothing, don't be so quick to condemn the poor moth.  Oh no.  Julia had her brand new dress mutilated by a grasshopper!  Check out the picture below.

The nasty beast which ate a dress